Merlot's Study of Celebrity, and the "Sideways Effect" in the America Wine Market

Greetings Voignier, and kind readers,

Day two of the standoff between Dr. Emily and myself is well underway. The morning, as I awakened, the smell of good Coffee from Dominican Republic was distinctly not in the air. Each day, since her hire, Emily has prepared coffee for myself, herself and the band of early risers who visit our water craft, some of whom have spent the better part of the night collecting bottles and cans from Manhattans refuse, to be exchanged for good sums of money. Now, we consider coffee, upon waking, and before our morning constitution a pillar of good living, without which our day is dashed, if you will. This is something Dr. Emily knows quite well, which can only lead to the conclusion that we are still "in the middle of it," she and I. There was a time, when Dr. Emily only drank Illy coffee, and only on our watercraft. It does not take an advanced degree in Materials Science to see that things are apparently different now. Now, she drinks with celebrities and whiskey salesmen, while I and my band of not-so-merry- men, if you will wait for our professional grade Bunn coffee maker to warm up, and deliver us from this indignity. We were truly embarrassed for her.

This morning we spotted Dr. Emily drinking take out coffee (green lids, from a certain Seattle Retailer of over roasted beans), on the deck of our neighbor, Mortimer Greenblatt, a Whiskey and Bourbon critic whose personal fortune sets him apart from all at the basin, except maybe a certain retired television talk show host also in attendance , a man who spends countless hours polishing the rails on his boat, dress as Jim Backus in character (a/k/a, Mr. Thursten Howell, III). Dr. Emily was facing us, hanging on every word and laughing in the manner of a horse as Mort and the retired talk show celebrity appeared to be telling his war stories, mixed with bon mots.

It was like watching fools rush in, and seeing them drink from a bad bottle of Francis Coppola's new celebrity Niebaum-Coppola Cabernet Sauvignon, as it makes the rounds at a Pronographic Movie Awards Dinner having been uncorked the night before, left to stand on at the waiter's station, and poured by a vindictive bus-boy as revenge some awardee's patronizing attempt to speak spanish. All the elements of a massive chain of events leading to a sorry ending. Dr. Emily laughing at Mort's witless repartees was rather just like watching a bottle of Coppola left for dead, if you will, the kind of wine that a spot on jackass would rather be seen drinking, more than they would actually like to taste in the mouth. Until last night, we were hearing a great deal about this celebrity wine, among others, which raised an enitirely new question for us, the subject of future studies, no doubt, namely: What sort of premium should be placed upon a bottle or cask of wine for having a celebrity's name associated with it?

For example, say one were to find an excellent bottle of viognier, 2003 selling for $25 dollars per bottle,(or say $65 dollars per box in the quite off chance that the vineyard were wise enought to box the blend!). Next assume this Voignier is all but identical a bottle of Lys de Volan Condrieu, 2003, a vintage produced by Alain Paret and the famous French celebrity Gerard Depardieu, which sells for $40 dollars per bottle (an which should have most certainly been boxed). ?Next, assume they are not only nearly identical, but that both are excellent, with hints of apricots, berries, truffles, almonds and all one would expect to taste or read from the pen of a wine critic. The question becomes: what price or value should be either added or not to the celebrity wine verses the identical wine, which neither has celebrity backing from a finacial standpoint (whether they be driven by the profit motive for personal gain, or by some non-for-profit aim that employees family and friends, as in the case of Paul Newman's popcorn and Pasta sauces? While our first impulse is to avoid the celebrity lable, as we would say, pass over the 200 dollars designer lable jeans for the timeless Levi or Lee brands, we are not so sure that some premium my be warranted for a wine that allows the consumer to connect with a celebrity in an interactive manner, whereby celebrity and fan can share something, an experience, if you will that builds some metaphysical bond via the sense of taste unlike any other. For example, if a fan were to watche

Fred and Ginger dance for the 24th time on DVD, the fan can not say that they experienced something that either Fred or Ginger experienced, unless Fred and or Ginger were in the habit of watching their old dance routines on DVD, as a certain kind of fan would. You see, one can not say the celebrity and fan have experienced something together, the was to devotees of a certain blend and vintage of wine do, whether bottled or boxed. Celebrity wine does, in fact, offer the fan that connection, or relationship, if you will, however prurient or distasteful we may find it personally. For like the premiums placed on pornographic media, we must resign ourselves to the way things are in the market place of ideas and things. "There is", indeed, as a wise man once said, "an ass for every seat."

Speaking of which, now, here was Dr. Emily this morning, facing us, seated on the deck of Mort's boat, with her horse laugh decending over the basin for all to hear and cringe from, as I and my band of merry bottle collectors stood without coffee, awaiting breakfast, as Dr. Emily had provided for more than 7 years, without fail. It was as if we were watching a tasting of this celebrity Voignier that had been opened, sipped and left to vinegar by an inattentive, tired or intoxicated waiter, a hazard that does not exist with boxed wine. And here was the fan, joval, demonstrative and whooping it up if you will, with glasses lifed high, and lables in plain sight, as if placed within the frame of a film in order to be seen.

Watching Dr. Emily was most disturbing, as we did make several pots of coffee, which we did distribute it to our friends from The Riverside Park, who were ending their shift sorting trash, turning garbage into gold, as one of the three put it.

Nevertheless, we make these observations in spite of our experience last night with Mr. Coppola's wine, the actual case if you will. It was, in fact, our pleasure to taste a good bottle of Mr. Coppola's new Neibaum- Coppola Cabernet Sauvignon last night, as we spent time discussing "celebrity blends" with a dear friend who operates a very high quality wine store on the Upper West Side. We had visited Miles quite randomly, while walking Stewart and Ponzi again. Miles is one of the few retailer in Manhattan who allow us to bring dogs into the stream of commerce if you will, releaving us of the worry that they will be stolen, or perhaps mauled again by a moody pit bull. The wine was very good, a dark blend with flavors of jasmin, steel cut oats, and burdock root. And so we applaud Mr. Coppola's new Heart of Darkness, if you will, with just one criticism, as regular readers may have already guessed-- Box Your Wine, SIR!

Miles concern, on the other hand, was with another celebrity, who is currently doing damage to his business. The celebrity is one Paul Giamatti, whose character in the popular film "Sideways" is all but destroying the demand for Merlot as a catagory. It seems Americans take their movies to heart, perhaps to a fault, and Miles had suffered as a result, as many of his Upper West Side customers are avoiding Merlot as if it were "Hi C", or "Welch's grape soda", as Miles put it. Miles sought me out in order to brainstorm about ways to counter what is being called the "Sideways Effect" in the wine trade, and we two spend several hours on the topic. At this stage we are gathering facts about this effect, surveying the network of wine stores from Maine to Washington, DC. Before taking the project, Miles made a few calls, to negotiate on my behalf, which was not difficult, given our reputation for PR and damage control. In a rather complex transaction, it turns out we will be compensated in the form of wine for our efforts to counter act the "Sideways Effect" that is hitting so many wine stores on the east coast. However, the process of exchanging bottles for boxes has turned out to be more complicated than anticipated, making this leg of the transaction the more difficult. Nonetheless, we expect to be hard at work, undermining the "dio-jesus", or suspension of disbelief, if you will, that Mr. Paul Giamatti has so successfully unleashed upon the American wine market.

And as I vowed last night to certain high ranking retail wine store figures via conference call, you may mark my words, by the time Merlot finishes his disinformation and spin control campaigns on the American wine consumer-- this so called "Sideways Effect" will go the way of finger quotations in the air, the pet rock, and the phrase "yadda yadda yadda".