Grep Lept for Kara's Kelp, A Study of Sideways Events

Greetings Voignier and Kind readers,

We at the Boat Basin have been working with fire in our bellies to get to the bottom of the "sideways effect" that is gripping the wine market here in North America. This afternoon I emerged from my statistical analysis of wine consumption, based on samples gathered from the refuse by our most trusted research assistants, residents of The Riverside Park. With the help of Mr. Ito, we have been able to compile and sort several categories of empty unboxed wine containers for our yearly audit, and the findings are most suprising.

As you recall, we were hired by a group of wine merchants to define and counteract this "sideways effect" that has cause wine sales to drop, significantly. Recall further that we promised our benefactors that we shall define the trends before crafting a masterful marketing attack to beat back this slander of merlot, perhaps the most delicious wine every produced in the history of history. For our services, we requested a certain quantity of spirits that we shall use to compensate our staff, which will also serve as product for our boxed wine tastings, as well as our reviews. The symbiotic nature of this compensation is economical in the extreme, and I venture (no pun intended) to say that it is perhaps the most efficient use of marketing dollars in the trade. The ROI, or return-on-investment for this kind of project is extraordinary, I can assure you, and everyone carrying a Blackberry into the next Tech wave.

While soft peddeling our work into a long study, and a longer marketing campaign may seem like a sure way to earning more boxed wine for our staff, nothing could be further from the truth. Protracted consulting assignments, stretching ad infinitum to the horizon in every direction are not the way we earn our keep. If we are able to offer a quick answer, we will, without delay or jabberwockery on countless pages and so called "White Papers", which should be termed the black hole of production in America business. With pen, paper and Mr. Ito doing the counting aloud, we finished our calculations by 2pm.

And so, without delay we have informed our clients that based on our research there really is no "sideways effect" in the wine market. In point of fact, sales of Merlot appear to have increased since the popular movie featured a rather broken chap with a acute disdain for merlot as a category. There are in fact, more empty bottles of Merlot in the rubbish of Manhattan's upper west side than ever. The other product with the highest gain appears to be apple wine coolers, with the greatest concentration above 95th street. Moveover, we have reason to believe that as home prices have risen throughout the East Coast markets, sales of merlot have kept pace, perhaps in the spirit of celebration of the good fortune so many enjoy from home price appreciation. We shall be launching a new study aimed directly at this hypothesis for the next phase of our research into the "Sideways Effect" in North American wine consumption.

Nonetheless, we are delighted to find that merlot has not suffered in actual sales, but we are a bit "sideways" ourselves as to the course of action we shall undertake to counteract the perception that there is a "Sideways Effect" acting as a drag on wine sales in North America. Any thoughts will be duly noted and credited.

After a hard day's work, we retired to an early afternoon sampling of a certain boxed wine produced in upstate New York, far from the hustle and hustlers of the basin. Kara showed up with Dr. Emily. Kara was Dr. Emily's roomate in graduate school, and a delightful person to spend time with, if one has an interest in the rise of feminism in Japan, which was the focus of her study at several leading universities, both here and in her native Ireland. Kara, it seems still has her taste for seaweed, which she eats with every meal, and when she joins in our samplings. It is of course, no so unusual in other parts of the world, but does give pause to several of our regulars here at the basin, whenever Kara reaches into her fanny pack and pulls out a had full of Kelp, offering it to someone with this or that cut, scrape or cold sore that Kara believe would be made better by either topical application or by eating her various seaweeds. Kelp, Nori and Irish Moss appear to be her choicest varieties.

There is something a little unsettling about seeing a red haird, wild eye Professor of Japanese Women's Studies tear through a fanny pack of Kelp while washing it down with a dry Boxed Wine. But what's more was Mr. Ito's dog, Grep, who as it turns out, shared both Kara's taste for Seaweed, and her taste for single malt scotch, which was what she was actually drinking after Grep lept to Kara's waste, tearing out the 5th of Johnny Walker she had stored there with her seaweed.

Ito appeared deeply ashamed, and offered to cast Grep into the Hudson. We thanked him, but quickly declined his well meaning offer, as more than a few of us, I suspect secretly wished Mr. Ito could do something simliar with respect to Kara's kelp.