A Black Cat, and a Pit Bull Cross Merlot's Path

Greetings Voignier, and of course, kind readers,

Early this morning we had an odd thought, a sort of uneasy forshadowing, while taking my morning constitution down the West Side Drive bike path by foot, walking the two odd showdogs dogs of our neighbor Paul, whose business drew him away to Montreal to film a new "feature", starring himself and a woman known as "Animale" in certain circles. Merlot agreed to the task in return for a favor, as Paul often Boat sits, if you will, when we are away on business. From the moment we started out, the phrase rang in our head: "no good deed goes unpunished," which is what our housekeeper Emily told us before we left.

The dogs, Stewart and Ponzi, are a breed with which I am unfarmilar, and have not interest in learning about. Not being a dog person, I was in no position to answer the questions put to me as their guardian, by passersby. Several looked our way, as if we had kidnapped the dogs, who never seemed so stop making waste stops along the banks of the Hudson. But these ackward moments were small compaired to what happened when a black cat crossed our path, and Stewart gave chase, breaking his leash. By the time we caught up to him, we had made Morningside Heights, after he had managed to cross the highway at 79th, following the cat through riverside park the whole way. At 110th, he made a left, never breaking stride until he passed Broadway, heading east until he met with the very large, odd and unsettling bronze statue depicting creation, hell and heaven all at once, at St. John the Devine's Church on 110th, stopping for red lights, of course. The devil's dangling head always gives us pause on viewing it, but less so this time, as we had to get Stewart tied up again, if you will.

Ponzi and I had given chase close behind, in what seemed like the longest walk of my life. It was at the statue that Stewart stopped to water the grass, if you will, and where we were able to reattached his leash to the collar around his neck, after a suitable thrashing about the ears and backside. The black cat, of course, was long gone by now. We planned to window shop at two wine stores to see the featured bottled selections currently on display on the walk back, and thereby make lemons into lemonade, if you will. We where however, unable to go in for fear of someone stealing he most onerious show dogs, and so we decided to walk two blocks to the east to the Central Park. It was on that walk, down the Morningside hill to the park where Stewart and Ponzi had got hold of a discarded roasted chicken platter with rice and beans, nearly yanking our arm from it's socket. No amount of pulling or josteling would get these two off their found booty.

When they finished there meal, we continued to the park, where we met a young gent with a very different kind of dog than Paul's two prized showdogs. On meeting, things appeared casual and friendly, until, it seems, the other dog got a whiff of what Stewart and Ponzi had just finished off, at which point he seem to re-enact Christoper's behavior from last night. The Strange dog began biting before he did any sort of barking, which in our experience is exactly the sort behavior in conflict that will do the most physical harm; and this was not exception. The strange dog, were he a man, was the kind of man who would just as soon knock another man's teeth out as look at him. The dog we faced did his best to chew Stewarts bottom to the bone, while Stewart for his part did his best to get the strange dog's massive jaws off his backside. Ponzi, oddly enough did not seem to want to get involved, and so it was left to myself and the owner of the other dog to pull these two animals apart. The young man, for his part, was quite good natured about it, given the circumstances, to the point when a large woman approached his dog with a pot of boiling water, which she started upon seeing the whole thing unfold from her 3rd floor kitchen window, on Central Park North, just across 110th Street. On seeing the woman with the boiling water approach his dog, he expressed his feeling that she was being "a real motherfucker," if you will.

The owner, who called himself what sounded like "Joel Nickbone," seemed to take it in stride, until he requested that I pay to have his dog's teeth cleaned, which was remarkable, since witnesses actually felt compelled to call 911 on behalf of Stewart, by cellphone, while the strange dog seemed unphased. I, of course, offered to write him a personal check, to which the young man uttered that I was being "a motherfucker," and that he'd rather not bother to take my "motherfucking rubber check". We, of course, told him it was all we had, knowing we would need to use whatever cash we had to get Steward fixed at the Vet. The police, for there part, where good about it, taking the strange dog away from the owner and issuing him a ticket, to which he explained to the police too that he felt, and he could see that they were behaving very much like "a couple of real motherfuckers too". And he fed the ticket to his dog, as he told them so.

And so, we spend several hours at an east side animal emergency room, waiting on Stewart as he was stiched back up, and his hide bandaged. While waiting, without boxed wine to drink, we watched a rerun of a Charlie Rose interview with Joan Didion, who lamented the loss of her husband of 40 years. By contrast, it was quite a sad site to see, whereas, watching Paul's showdogs get chewed was not as bad as one would expect.

It is said that one measure of a society is the way it allows its members to treat animals. I am not sure what it means, when some members leave there guardianship disinterested parties such as myself, while others allow their dog to literally eat other dogs. All in all, we think it a good night for a glass or two of something different, we think.

Merlot Hosts a Tasting of "Lilly Tao's Blush"

Greetings Voignier and kind readers,

This report comes as we finished another largely successful boxed wine tasting here are the Boat Basin, where 290 guests sampled several new boxed blends produced by our friend and former classmate, Christopher Bloache of Vermont, who was also in attendance with his common law wife, Anita. Anita wasted no time becoming the life of the party, and then making something of a spectacle of herself when she layed out her boxed wine business strategy to a group of prominent wine writers, who had also had a bit too much of Christopher's excellent boxed wines. What followed surprised even Merlot.

As Anita, who may be considered a most liberated woman, explained how she planned to finance and produce a pornographic video for wide release over the internet, featuring their first born daughter, Lilly Tao. Her plan, she explained, was to use "viral marketing" to build awareness for their new boxed wine to be branded, "Lilly Tao Blush". Whether it was Anita's spilling the beans, or out of disagreement with this use of Lilly Tao, to market Lilly Tao blush, we can only speculate about Christopher's motives for what happened next. Personally, we believe the latter to be the case. Christopher, it seems, wasted no time for his part, going "ape shit", as one wine critic put it after the events of the evening in a statement to the police. He explained that Anita told he and a group of other critics how she admired the way Paris Hilton had brought attention to her family's international chain of hotels and casinos, and thought it could work for the Bloache's boxed wine business.

Perhaps Anita felt more than a little entitled to chart their business plan and to make the marketing decisions for their boxed wine largely because it was her 600 acre farm where Christopher had come to live and find his new sobriety, after several years living on the streets of Amsterdam, playing guitar for beer money. It was Anita who met Christopher when he had "hit bottom", and shepherded him through the first of several 12 step programs while living at her family's Malibu beach house, and on her Vermont farm, which she subsequently inherited from her father, who was Editor-in Chief of a prominent publishing house. Soon they married (in a non-western, legally ineffective ceremony), had three daughters, and began producing premium Cheeses. Anita makes it a point to let listeners know that they are not, in fact, legally married, and that she "pays Chirstopher's salary in ass". And now, it was Anita that decided to enter the Bloache family farm into the boxed wine business, and it was Anita's idea to donate a part of the proceeds from the sale of their boxed wine to collect funds for the election of Hillary Clinton in two years..

Anita, as it turns out, was a former Greatful Dead groupie who told several wine critics that Paris Hilton's X rated video/films as something "liberating and empowering to women", and the "ultimate branding op." Anita continued that she has spent a great deal of her youth sleeping with many celebrities, authors, and personages who, she felt, had "enriched her life immeasurably," and that she is a firm believer in "fucking one's way to the top, Monica notwithstanding".

Midway through explaining her rather randy marketing theories, if you will, to several leading wine writers, who were in a position to get their product noticed in short order, or not at all, Christopher, stepped in. He had been drinking (something he has not done in over 17 years) had been listening to Anita's theories and revelations. At one point, he asserted himself forcefully, and began by demanding, with his booming voice that Anita "shut the fuck up", and "cut the groupie bullshit", which in turn made her quite angry for her part. Sad to say, their arguing ended with Christopher walking off our water craft escorted and handcuffed by two of New York's finest for assaulting his wife in front of our guests, several of whom used their cell phones to report his lifting Anita over his head, turning akimbo and dropping her into the water after they spend a good amount of time slapping and kicking each other all over the deck. By most accounts, it was Anita who was getting the better part of Christopher in this slap fight, just after she had used what appeared to be self defense training to place her knee into his gentle parts, which in turn brought Christopher to his knees. Well, needless to say, our guests were most upset to witness the dramatic events, as all but a few are not accustomed to seeing violence. Others were not so upset, that is, the few of our guests who live in the Park across the West Side Drive from us, and who sometime defend their claim to this or that tent, box or other form of shelter. George, who lives in the park told us: "it was like watching a trailer for Charlie's Angles; he B slapped her, and she was kicking his ass, until he flipped her into the drink". It was George who jumped in to help Anita back to the boat, by the by.

Nevertheless, while we are firm believers in the old saw, "there is no such thing as bad publicity", we are not so sure the Bloache family's new boxed wine, Lilly Tao Blush will not be hurt by their "Who'se Afraid of Virginia Wolfe Routine" as Anita described it, later. We hope not; it's a fabulous boxed blend, with an after taste of chocolate, gooseberries and mirth. We give it 4 gobblets, and believe it deserves a place on every American table.

Merlot's Journey to Brooklyn to Buy a New Vehicle

As we took for lunch three, well salted, leftover cold chicken legs, drawing just two glasses of boxed white Chardonnay, our thoughts turned to the harvest moon, the changing seasons, our younger days, and and great changes ahead, as our dreams are made real by Fernando's cash infusion to our boxed wine enterprise. Our neighbor George who sleeps in Morningside park stopped in and helped himself to a cold leg, and a glass of boxed wine without a word, as is our custom.

We continued to reflect on the many kind people who have stood by us, giving us the kind of moral support that is the life blood of our journey to put a box of wine in every "fridge", if you will. Naturally, our thoughts turned to how we shall ever repay them. Surely regularly feeding George cold chicken and boxed wine could not be our only way of "giving back" if you will.

Our mind races and we think of the many contacts we've made on Wall Street, the bankers and financial experts who have made their way to the Boat Basin for our numerous boxed wine tastings. We shall look into ways to offer these kind people shares in our Initial Public Offering, which shouldn't be long after our premium blends meet the taste buds of a good cross section of the American public.

Next we contemplated how we will generate demand, not only for our wine, but for the shares of our public company. We calcluated the more cost effective ways to distrubute our private lable boxed wine, Gershwin's Gulp, not only to the public, but to the many Wall Street traders who will "make a market" in our shares, if you will. How can we make them farmilar with our product well before the IPO, if possible? We recall reading about the brilliant direct sampling method employed by the Krispy Kream company, as they delivered countless boxed of their doughnuts to stock and bond trading desks throughout the tri-state area many months if not years prior to their wildly successful public offering. Krispy Kream bought there place in the minds of major securities buyers well before a single share was bought. Krispy Kream approached trading desks as shelf space in a supermarket, and it worked in spades, if you will. I believe adopting this method will entrench us in the conscious and unconscious minds of these influential personages, and make our boxed wine company an historic IPO, iike Boston Chicken's historic one day, 20 dollar rise from its offering price.

And so, I decided that we should purchase a suitable automobile to deliver our boxed wine to traders from Boston to DC each week, as we gear up to take our enterprise to the public with an eye toward going public, if you will. To that end we hopped a ride on the back of George's cycle to visit his uncle Primo in Brooklyn, at his place of business. It was a rather bumping ride, and got worse as it became clear that riding on the handle bars was necessary. Nevertheless, our trip across the storied stone bridge, made somewhat easier by the two extra glasses of wine we took before departing.

In seeking expert advise, we realized a professional car seller would be a good resource for information, which is where Primo came in. Primo as a rather gregarious chap, with several amusing anecdotes regarding his recent trip to Madison Square Garden to watch a boxing match. Of course, he made several good points about our size requirements, gas mileage, the year and number of miles on on the car, by seemed to want to talk about anything but cars, and so we listened. Apparently Primo elected to take a bus from his home on Avenue U in Brooklyn, with several friends, and a large group of Japanese tourists.

Before we could point out the irony of a man who would make his living selling cars electing to travel to Manhattan by bus; Primo related that his bus was subjected to robbery by a group of men at gunpoint. Primo's long pause seemed to beg the question, which George put to him at once: "who did it?", to which Primo replied just as quickly in turn: "I don't know but there were 9,320 pictures of the crooks", winking at me as he put George on the spot, if you will, in a rather spot on impression of Rodney Dangerfield.

It was at this point, we suggested a sample of a new of boxed wine sent to us by our friend Christopher Bloache from the state of Vermont. We had carried it on our lap the whole ride to his car lot. The wine has been released in a rather small test batch by a Christopher, who once cycled from Montauk Point to Denver Colorado on a dare. Christopher had since gained 600 acres of prime Vermont farm land from the death of his father in law, and decided to produce various organic Jams, Jellies, Cheeses and now boxed wines. He is that sort of chap, and one of our dearest friends from another life, when we raced cross country together over the hills and dales of New England, defeating some of the most talented runners at leading private high schools. Christopher has left it to us to name his wine, believing we are in the best position to position his new wine, if you will. Having come to see Primo for his view about our best options for a automobile to power our efforts, it occured to us that Primo may be a good source of inspiration to name Christopher's new blend. As it turned out Primos grand father was a wine maker at a time when alcohol was prohibited in the United States. Primo's grandfather eventually migrated back the Italy, with a rather forced hand, where he would go on producing his own wines undeterred by the authorities until the end of prohabition, when he would return to Brooklyn to produce his "Dago Red," as Primo put it. And so, Primo appeared to know quite a bit about wine. After being told a little about our client, and tasting Christopher's blend, Primo offered us a few brand names for consideration. His first suggestion was "White Vinegar," which was amusing, but not much help. It was clear Primo did not prefer Christopher's cask to say, a bottle of White Bolla. When pressed, he said he'd rather not say, and that he would rather not insult anyone he didn't know.

The ride back to the Boat Basin was bumpy indeed.

Merlot Talks Turkey with Fernando on Deal Points

"Holloa! Starbuck's astir," said the rigger. "He's a livelychief mate that; good man, and a pious; but all alive now, I must turn to."

And so saying he went on deck, and we followed.--

GOING ABOARD, Chapter 21, Moby Dick


Greetings Dearest Frenando,

Once again, we are delighted to hear back from you regarding our burgeoning joint venture in the North America boxed wine business. However, we have reviewed your terms regarding the branding of our boxed wine products and retail chains, and really must insist that we retain control over the marketing, promotion and sales of out products.

We do not mean to be offensive, stubborn or disagreeable on this matter, nor would we want to hurt the chances of our jointing together in commerce. Nonetheless, we are most gifted in mass communications, branding and choosing effective names, trademarks and brands of things, if you will. Please understand that we are perhaps two of the world's leading boxed wine consultants, who focus on these marketing functions, charging upwards of $1,200 US dollars per hour for our work. And so, we must remain inflexible only in this point and in this area, as we believe it is in your best interest and our's.


A sad, remarkable site at Fort Tilden, NY
Sperm Whales occur regularly in deep waters off New York, especially along the edges of submarine canyons (e.g. Hudson Canyon) and along the continental slope - some 70-90 miles from Long Island. Fortunately, Sperm Whales remain one of the most abundant of the large whales



Moving on, we are a bit confused by your suggestion, dear Fernando, where you state: "with retards to your arrival here..." I am not sure what you are suggesting, or if you are actually insulting us in some Jungian fashion. Please explain in your next communication, as we hold the view that "clear arrangements make for good friends," if you will.

Nevertheless, as for trip to your marvelous country, we shall use sea transportation for several sound reasons. First, sea travel affords us the time to reflect on our studies and musings; Second, it will allow us to stop off to visit of our dear friends at http://www.palmmgt.com, who provide us with email hosting services in Costa Rica, where from time to time we house sit if you will on some of the most glorious beachfront properties in the world. Third, we also expect that travel by sea will not only allow your barristers the necessary time to draft and file the necessary paper work before we arrive, which shall make our first meeting most a most productive and joyful affair, but also give us the time we'll need to spearhead public relations announcing our financing and the launch of our new boxed wine lable and retail distribution outlets. To that end, we envision ourselves stepping ashore in South Africa to break open cask after cask of premium boxed wines, as we, you and I, celebrate our joint venture, if you will.

Fourth, we count among our friends, two Directors of publicly traded shipping companies with ports of call in Johannesburg. They have allowed us free transportation the world over for over 10 years, which has allowed us to make contacts on ever continent, as we have built our boxed wine consulting business. Thus, we are simply more accustom to sea travel, and prefer it to Air transportation. More to the point, we are of the mindset of a 19 century men, if you will: masters of our destinies, captains of industry driven not by events, or the fates, those most fickle whores. Rather, the force of our characters guide us to our just rewards; and we believe you are the same sort of fellow, a man who understands his place in the world, and what he needs to do in order to prevail on life's journey.

And finally, we believe or reluctance is justified by recent events with respect to avian flu warnings. We have it from good sources that Air flight may in fact spread this virus, while ship travel is not such a risky means of transportation. Nevertheless, we await your contact information (ie, fax, telephone, address and other contact information), so we may make arrangements to meet on our arrival, and to forward to what you need so we may set sail on this joint "adventure" if you will.

Kind regards,
I remain,
Merlot

Dear Merlot,

I received your message and understood all you have said and suggested. With regards to the brand name suggestions you have made, I would want a name that would reflect both side of the partnership, so we can leave that for now until meet and all arrangements and projects are in place.

I want you to send me your full details to enable me complete the joint venture draft agreement that I am making. The agreement will bind us during the transaction and also indicate what amount will be used for the investments and what will be due to you for your assistance.

With retards to your arrival here, why would you want to come by ship? How many days or weeks would that be at the sea, are you suggesting that you cannot fly by air?

I await your reply.

Best regards.

Fernando.

Merlot is Encouraged By the Statements of Whole Foods Head Wine Buyer

Greetings Voignier and Kind Readers,

The attached photo was fowarded to me recently, perhaps to mock our efforts to enlighten the American consumer and to advance awareness in North America as to the superior perservation capacity of boxed wines to bottled blends. While Merlot enjoys a joke as much as the next chap, we are less than amused at this frat boy's creative energies, if you will; and we only hope he is devoting as much energy to his studies as to entertaining his chums with his exhibitionism. One wonders if Asian and European engineering students are taking time off to dress themselves as boxed wine, and photographing themselves with fellow libertarian minded women who would draw merlot from their nasty bits. By God man, contain yourself.

Nevertheless, we are encouraged by a recent statement by the head wine purchaser for on of the nation's fastest growing food store chains. Teddye Snell, writing for the Tahlequah Daily Press in Oklahoma reports that Marc Jonna, a national wine buyer for the Whole Foods Market intimated that, and I quote: “Cask wines are the hottest trend in Australia and the U.K." For those of you unfarmilar with Whole Food Market chain, suffice it to say, they now 145 stores in the U.S. and one in Canada as of this writing. The company has made headlines for its growth and profitablity; and its its efforts to modify organic standards to make their foods more suitable for massive distribution requirements to meet the demand of the 15 billion dollar market for "organic" foods. It's also made headlines in New York, as our mayor has advanced efforts to make non-union employers pay for the healthcare expenses of their employees. But this latest news that one can read between the lines of what Whole Foods Market's national wine buyer states is most encouraging.

Encouraged by this observation by a buyer at a leading super market chain, we shall craft a strategic approach to advance our private lable, focusing some percentage of our effort, time and resources on the super market channel, if you will. We can forsee a time when our own brand of boxed wine, may be found on the shelves of every Whole Foods Market beside massive stuffed olives, organic green teas, free ranged chickens, micro brew beers, and fresh baked multigrain breads. We shall ready ourselves for free tastings, and the kind of retail push required to support our unique blends in these 145 stores, and the many more that will no doubt take root across America. We shall be delighted to join the countless food producers who have earned a space on the shelves of this innovative and forward thinking enterprise. We shall direct our thoughts to earning our place among these leading brands with a leading brand of our own.

Merlot Meets Fortune Head On; Our Reply to Fernando

The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed.

-- Stephen Biko

My Dear Fernando,

Your offer is outstanding. We believe that boxed wine stores can be vastly more profitable than arms dealing, and so we would suggest that the lion's share be invested in wine store buildouts, marketing, advertising and developing our own brand of boxed wine.

We have several names selected for brands, and would like your imput as to ones that meet with your approval. We want you to be comfortable with our business arrangement, and to that end, please review the following possible brands:

• Bantu Blush
• Sullivan's Slerp
• Golden Pick Pinot
• Freedom Rose

Please let us know what you think. Meanwhile, we shall look into booking our transportation, by ship. Many frieghters offer reasonable rates for no frills chap such as we. It makes our pulse quicken a little to think that we will be out, smelling the fresh sea air, with no horizon, on a ship with good strong men, doing their jobs, on our way to South Africa, to meet with you and your representatives, who will make our boxed wine making dreams a certainty. I look forward to meeting you, and making our partnership the basis of a most successful and enviable jollywoncing.

Kind regards,
I remain,
Merlot

Merlot's Ship Arrives-- Perhaps a New Beging

"Why do you test for humans?" he asked.
"To set you free."
"Free?"
"Once men turned their thinking over to machines in hope that this would set them free. But that only permitted other men with machines to enslave them."
"Thou shalt not make a machine in the likeness of a man's mind," Paul quoted.
--"Right out of the Butlerian Jihad and the Orange Catholic Bible," she said.

-- Frank Herbert, Dune


Greetings Voignier and kind readers;

Today is a milestone, a most glorious time. It's safe to say that we are indeed fortunate today, as an acceptance from our far flung friend in South Africa came before us. Our counter-offer of financing has been met with agreement by our benefactor. And thus, we are happy to report that the second leg of our journey to extraordinary wealth and influence has begun.

Earlier today, we received a communication from Fernando of Johannesburg. He invited us to South Africa, and offered a details plain to provide us with the funding we shall need to secure 20 retail stores for out boxed wine outlets. So as you can see, I don't think it's a case of a fool on his folly, or us counting our chickens before they hatch for us to host a tasting here at the Boat Basin to celebrate our extraordinary success with our friends in South Africa. I shall be tapping a box of Merlot at 10pm, and all are invited, to honor the author, Frank Herbert, for his vision.

The time will soon be long past when our critics will term us modern-day "Don Quixotes of the boxed wine trade," who "tilt at wine boxes" as a certain very drunk, jug wine executive stated less than 6 months ago at a storied New York strip club standing just off the stage, in a rather large group of wine importers who gathered to witness a bovine stripper do something not very redeeming with hard boiled eggs, yogurt and a brass pole. This group mocked Merlot. And we have waited with baited breath for the time for the proverbial worm to turn, if you will.

And now, is seems that is has. As if riding on the back of some creature dreamed up by Frank Herbert, returning to lay the old guard to waste, we are closer than ever to getting funded to make our boxed wine dreams a real.

For those interested in the finer points of our deal, note that Frenando elaborated on his original good and timely proposal as follows:


Date: Mon, 24 Oct 2005 03:08:03 -0700 (PDT)
From: Fernando Ayanua
Subject: Re: you offer

Dear Marlot,

I thank you very much for your response to my proposal and the interest you have shown to help me and do the transaction with me. I understood all you have said, and I want to give you more details and some arrangements, that I am making here to conclude the transaction. .

My reason of contacting you is that I want you to be my foreign partner / funds manager and help me in the transfer of my funds out of South Africa and invest it in projects that will be profitable to the both of us in your country, though the funds were initially meant for the purchase of arms, but we have since decided to use it for a more profitable venture and this is why we want to make a joint venture with you.

Your participation in the transaction will be in two ways or parts, in the first part, you will help me in the transfer of the money out of South Africa to your country, and secondly, you will suggest investments/ projects in your country where part of the money will be invested and manage by you. In the transfer part, you will be required to open an account in your country that will receive the transfer from here, it can be personal account or company account provided it is safe to receive the total amount, but if you already have an account then we can use it.

In the investments/ projects part of the transaction, I would like you to give me details of the investments / projects that you can make available where part of the money will be invested including the present wine business that you are operating. On my own, I have interest in real estate business, buying of private and commercial properties, so I would like you to give me more ideas on the kind of investments that you can provide for the funds.

I am already having discussions with some bank officers here who have agreed to help us in the transfer process. From the discussions with the bankers, you will be required to come down to South Africa to open a non-resident account in your names with one of the commercial bank here. The money will be deposited first in this non-residence account, before it will be transferred to your account in your country. So you are required to come here as soon as possible for the transfer process, and the process will last three bank working days to be completed, and I will then travel back with you to begin the investments part of the proposal. You should not be worry about the transfer of the funds, though it is a very large amount, but the bankers will take care of all the transfers process and procedures. The transfer will be a bank-to-bank transaction after me and you have concluded the initial arrangements.

I want you to make your travel arrangements to arrive in Johannesburg –South Africa.

I am making a draft agreement between you and me. The agreement will indicate what amount will be due to you for your assistance and as funds manager. It will also indicate what amount will be used for the investments and what amount will be kept for me. I will send it when it is completed in a few days.

Please be very free to call me directly at any time if there is any issue that you do not understand, and I will explain to you. Please I want you to know that I will never do anything that will put you into problems for trying to help or will I do anything that will make me to lose my money, because my life and future depends on this funds. Please I also need total trust and confidentiality from you, for my own security and that of the funds.

I await for your call and your reply soon.

Best regards

Fernando.

Merlot Awaits Funding, and Entertains a Joint Venture

In a message dated 10/23/2005 5:13:57 AM Central Daylight Time, fernad_01@yahoo.com writes:

JOINT VENTURE INVITATION
Fernando Ayanua 412,
Trambo Ln.,Fayettsburg, Johannesburg, South Africa

Tel: +27 73 446 7341 E-mail: fernad_za@hotmail.com

Dear Sir,
As stated above, my name is Fernando Ayanua. I am 30 years of age, and a stepson of the Angolan warlord and rebel leader, Dr.Jonas Savimbi.

My mother and I are interested in relocating to your country, and venturing all of our funds in excess of some US$32 million, all in US$100 bills; in your line of business, and under your auspices. All funds having being earmarked for the purchase of arms in South Africa, and accrued from the sales of precious stones.

You are to take home 25% of the gross for all your anticipated assistance by the time the funds are successfully lodged in your nominated accounts overseas. But first all we will need to know you more, and also we would need to move the funds and of course ourselves out of this place as soon as we can possibly arrange that to be. My mother and I have carefully worked out the modalities for the eventual transfer.

You are to participate as our foreign partner in the scheme of arrangement. My mother personally requested that I send this mail to you. If this proposal should be of interest to you, kindly signify your interest by replying through my Email address, or better still give me a call on my direct number, which is +27 73 446 7341, for a more detailed insight.

Kindest regards,
Fernando Ayanua.


Greetings, I am Merlot.

Your offer is most excellent Fernando. Moreover, it arrives at a time when my partner, Voignier and I are pursuing business venture and can use the capital. We are leading boxed wine experts, and ultimately shall be boxed wine merchants.

And so, as we begin this journey of retail store empire building, it is good fortune that bringssomeone such are yourself to us, willing to invest in our dream. It is only fitting that these funds, which were earmarked for the purchase ofweapons, should be used to make boxed wine several times more popular. We believe that boxed wine has the power to change lives in many more productive and redeeming ways than weapons.

While it may be true that, "an armed society is a polite society", as Charlton Heston might put it, we believe that boxed wine in society is the oil that lubricates such a society, if you will. And so, you joint venture invitation appears most excellent, and a suitable means to our efforts. However, we can only accept 10 million dolllars, the result of certain agreement we have with our bankers to limit the interest we can extend to outside parties. With this in mind, we look forward to planning a trip to your magnifiecent land and shall wait for your directions as to the modalities.

I must disclose in the interest of fairness that we have been approached by several other offers to finance our enterprise, and shall be bound to accept the first funding that makes its way to our door with actual funding.

Regards,
I remain,
Merlot

Merlot Recalls William J. Casey Over a Bad Box

Greetings kind readers,

Merlot is in a bit of a funk today, after a night of light drinking a most unsatisfying boxed wine from a country other than those included within those federation of states with membership in the Boxed Wine Association of North America and Parts of Chile. I can only liken the wine in question to liquid jam, or jelly if you will, a kind of sweetened glug produced for those more interested in buzz than flavor. It was more well received by our friends who live in the park, than our neighbors here at the Boat Basin.

As we look over this morning's headlines from the media, and the television news, we are left mindful of Edmond Burke's oft quoted derivation from Dante's pen: "The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who remain neutral in times of crisis." Certainly William J. Casey was no neural party in the war against the kind of state lead cleptocracy represented by last century's communist "de-evolutions", if you will.

While it is not for the solder to question the moral ground on which he stands, as he defends and extends American style commercial, political and personal freedoms in far flung lands; it is perhaps out duty as citizens to do so, and to let our elected officals know what direction is best for the free people of the United States, including its subsidiaries and franchisees, if you will. Moreover, one must consider that these so called far flung places are not so far, when one considers the number of jobs going to places even further away, along with the capital of investors, chasing better margins, like the bottom dollar on a Friday night at Hunt's Point, if you will. And so, Merlot is in a position and the mood to reflect and offer his findings of his studies of freedom, oil and terror in North America. And the moral ground on which America stands overseas are well within or pervue, regardless of the quality of boxed wine we are consuming. We remain, objective, in spite of this nasty glug we have turned loose on the inhabitants of the Boat Basin, and those few "campers" who we count as friends, from the park between the West Side Drive and West End Avenue.

Edwin Burke's "neutrality" and indifference, if you will, seems to be everywhere. Nowhere is this more true than in Washington, where media employees prattle on with Charlie Rose imposing their view about "the mess in the middle east," and what is best for the United States, ignoring the hard facts that brought us shake out the dirty dealing Iraq president and his degenerate sons. The fact that the America war has ended the black market deals that created overhang in the oil markets is ignored, like an empty cask of Blush, dropped on the West Side Highway's bike path, after one of our famous Halloween Boat Basin Bashes. The fact that America is in a more proactive position to address the behaviors of rouge states that boarder Iraq and Afganistan is also left aside but these imported beer drinking sages, who point to the faulty rational that brought the United States into the Middle east, as they fail to remember that even a broken clock is correct twice each day. And so, if millions of lives are made better by the introduction of freedom, and if economic advances come from America being able to offer Russia a warm water port for its oil and goods (a reward for abandoning public sector cleptocracy that was the USSR), and if the international capital and commodity markets are improved as black markets, and near black markets (read "China") are rolled up like so many terror cells spouting out their Arabian songs three times per day, is the conclusion a great so what? Are these not important considerations, even if America is putting up the seed monies to reform a world that is a bit off its economic and political axis, while other "developed" nations sit on their French, German and Dutch asses, consuming hyped cheeses, meats and bottled wines, waiting to reap the benefits of our sacrifices? Are they? Is boxed wine a better value than bottled? Need we answer? Do wiser men drink boxed wines? Would Miles Copeland III's Belly Dance Super Stars be welcome in Lebanon, or say, at the college of he and of his father, Birmingham Southern College?

In a Gallup poll last year of almost 10,000 Muslims in nine countries, respondents described the United States as "ruthless, aggressive, conceited, arrogant, easily provoked and biased."

And so, Merlot believes he could do much to turn those perceptions around, applying the moder marketing methods that have made the Boxed Wine Assocation successful. All that remains is funding, which would give us the required means to need to take meaningful action, and improve America's image abroad, and perhaps boxed wine's image at home. And to that end, we are delighted to have received yet another email offer of funding for god's work if you will, as we continue to wait for our African friends to transfer assest for our enterprise. This time, from a kind man from Hong Kong, which goes to prove that not all of China is as corrupt as we should be lead to think by reports from media sources. In this case, our good fortune would be the result of misdeeds by Iraqi military, whose plunder will be our gain, if we can come to terms with Mr. Ming Yang, of Hong Kong:



MR. MING YANG
HANG SENG BANK LTD.
83, Des Voeux Road.,
Central HK,
Hong Kong.

Let me start by introducing myself. I am Mr. Ming Yang
director of operations of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd. I have an
obscured business suggestion for you.

Before the U.S and Iraqi war our client Gen. Aadel Akgaal Bastaan
who was with the Iraqi forces and also businessman made a
numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value
of Twenty Four million Five Hundred Thousand United State
Dollars only in my branch. Upon maturity several
notices was sent to him, even during the war which began in
2003. Again after the war another notification was sent
and still no response came from him. We later find out that
the General along with his wife and only daughter had been
killed during the war in a bomb blast that hit their home.
You can read more about the bombings on visiting these
sites below:

http://www.ccmep.org/usbombingwatch/2003.htm#3/19/03

http://civilians.info/iraq/deaths_data.php


After further investigation it was also discovered that
Gen. Aadel Akgaal Bastaan did not declare any next of kin
in his official papers including the paper work of his bank
deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at
my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my
bank. So, Twenty Four million Five Hundred Thousand United
State Dollars is still lying in my bank and no one will
ever come forward to claim it. What bothers me most is that
according to the laws of my country at the expiration 3 years
the funds will revert to the ownership of the Hong Kong Government
if nobody applies to claim the funds. Against this backdrop,
my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to
stand as the next of kin to Gen. Aadel Akgaal Bastaan so that
you will be able to receive his funds.

WHAT IS TO BE DONE:

I want you to know that I have had everything planned out
so that we shall come out successful. I have an
attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will
back you up as the next of kin to Gen. Aadel Akgaal Bastaan,
all that is required from you at this stage is for you to
provide me with your Full Names and Address so that the
attorney can commence his job. After you have been made the
next of kin, the attorney will also fill in for claims on
your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of
probate in your favour for the move of the funds to an
account that will be provided by you.

There is no risk involved at all in this matter, as we are
going adopt a legalized method and the attorney will
prepare all the necessary documents. Please endeavor to
observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this
issue.Should you be interested please send me your full
names, private phone/fax and current residential address

And finally after that I shall provide you with more details
of this operation.

Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind Regards
Mr. Ming Yang

Merlot Urges a Young Turk: Box Your Wine Sir!

Merlot typically waits for something to strike him from the ethers, something worth putting fingers to keypad, if you will, and to relay to our kind readers, and Voigner. Today is perhaps an exception, as we survey headlines for news and information of interest, with nothing jumping out at us, with the exception of a story about a young chap in Forbes Magazine. Anne Field reported that this young MBA named Matt Hedges, who is bringing a group of Argentine wines to market in America, with the backing of a major wine importer, Epic Wines, which introduced this young man to 50 or more wine distributors.

His approach was simple, as is ours: assault the $22 Billion American wine business with good quality products that are unique, if somewhat less great the American blends. His efforts stand out because Argentine wines he brings to market are largely ignored in America until now. And so this young"winentrepreneur," offers added value to the rainbow of American graped flavors by bringing something unique to the America table (using "winentrepreneur", a word Merlot hereby coins, uses, and declares to be a service mark of this wine writing enterprise we are building). Forbes reports that Hedges revenues have topped 1 Million Dollars this year, to wit, we say, bravo, with one caveat: Box Your Wines Sir!

Surely none are worth storing for decades or more, as less than 1 in 10 wines are suitable to improve with age. If you value freshness, then one can do nothing better than to box their blends for the American market, which shall not only improve their shelf live once tapped, but also make your tastes of Argentina much more affordable to an already strapped America consumer, very much in need of wine's medicinal effects as he and she think of ways to meet their rising mortgage payments.

Merlot Foresees Zbigniew and Huraldo Sometime Soon

As we watch the television in the main room of our "mother ship", to quote Funkmaster George Clinton, if you will, and finish the last drops from a box of fresh Chilean Merlot, for purposes of comparison, we search the images on the screen, in an effort to look behind the eyes, if you will, to see the soul of a great mind like that of Zbigniew Brzezinski's as he angles, ducks, jabs and rolls, like an Olympic boxer on the PBS Newshour, explaining how the American's should view how they are being viewed by those viewing American actions overseas.

With the aftertaste of mint, chocolate, orange peels and pimentos, we come to a true appreciation for the complexities of international relations, and how great nations need great men with great minds like Zbig, as his friends call him, we hear tell. America needs the great minds of these great men to be sure and to be certain that they are viewed, as they mean to be viewed in the eyes of a world looking to it for leadership and for moral guidance, the way ducklings look forward as they cross the road. Men like Zbig help us to know ourselves better to be sure, the way a wise man turns to his Taylor to know what kind of figure he cuts as he moves from lobby to podium, to limo.

About the time, Saddam Hussein was finishing his state visit to France, before taking the control of Iraq where in turn he began a nuclear weapons project which lead to his bomb, Osirak, with French help, Zbignuiew made a name for himself both working for the President Carter as National Security Advisor, and as a professor of international relations. He is the author of many books including The Choice: Global Domination or Global Leadership (Basic, 2004), The Geostrategic Triad: Living with China, Europe, and Russia (CSIS, 2001), The Grand Chessboard: American Primacy and its Geostrategic Imperatives (Basic, 1997), and The Grand Failure: The Birth and Death of Communism in the 20th Century(Scribner, 1989). More than a few presidents have turned to him for advise about international relations, and the shifting alliances and allegiances that one day make the French our friends, and the next day make the French something perhaps other than our allies, and energy wars place us over a barrel, as solders square off; and Saddam sings for his Doritos in prison, waiting for his big day in court, as the eyes of the world turn look upon a man whose deeds toward his "subjects" will surely outlive his poems, his fine automobiles, and his storied video tape collection or his work with the American CIA.

It was wonderful to see Zbig, cutting off his fellow panelist, and assertively his view of the tragic events in the middle east. So confident, so assured, so certain that the known unknowns ought never be cause enough for inaction, a 19th century man of action, making history us as he goes. Isn't that the hub of our existence? Aren't we just omnivorous bipeds, conjuring up metaphors to extend the reach of our opposable thumbs, and making it up as we go along?

It made us think for a minute, what a fine tasting event it will be when Zbig and Henry Kissinger are discussing the finer points of Chilean boxed white, as photographers and Heraldo Rivera (or "Jerry Rivers") turn to Merlot, to ask us questions about the details of our latest sponsored event, or the upcoming launch of a new retail outlet for the sale of America's leading boxed blends. We think of a time we shall look back with a sense of amusement, pride and achievement on these these days, when we are so concerned with worldly matters, such as raising capital to secure suitable locations across the eastern seaboard for our boxed wine empire, or securing suitable packaging for our own, in house boxed wine blends, or bartering for the necessary design work for our empire's signage. We are well aware that the world is full of grander schemes, and perhaps greater prayer; but we can not help to look forward to a day, when boxed wine is the leading repose of the American consumer, a trend that could spread as widely at Microsoft XP, if managed well enough.

What a day that will make, ah Voignier? One day, we shall look back on these days, as Heraldo Rivera looks back on his special report from Al Capone's safe!

Boxed Wine Reviewers Anger Merlot, with "Drinking Inside the Box"

Yet another report has surfaced entitled: "Drinking Inside the Box," which was perhaps a clever turn of phrase when it was first used to direct readers to the benefits contained therein, if you will. However, that was some time ago-- perhaps too long, and we feel the phrase is worn, like the springs of a mattress within Nevada's storied Mustang Ranch.

If it would do any good, we would appeal to boxed wine writers everywhere to refrain, and to pay closer attention to their language and usage as they bring knowledge to the masses in describing the benefits of boxed blends. Examples appear to be everywhere Merlot turns his gaze (see, here,in Chicago, here,in Atlanta and here, in Milwalkee, and here, in California).

I would be nice to have this buzz phrase, if you will, placed on ice, and locked away from any boxed wine musing in the future. We feel as though we should rather soak our heads and bob for floating turds in the Hudson, as it were, here from the deck of our floating home at the Boat Basin, if we read any more wine writings entitled: "drinking inside the box".

Writes Andrew Raven, of the Lowell Sun, in the great state of Massachusettes, with the above linked photos of a California blend: "Boxed wine is no longer a low-brow alternative to cheap beer at a college frat party,"

"Judging by the shelves at local wine shops, wine in a box has gone upscale. High end labels are now available in airtight plastic bags packaged inside flashy cardboard boxes.

The benefits of these boxed beverages are numerous, explains Don Muraca, a sales manager with wine distributor MS Walker in Boston.

“The wine lasts longer because no air gets inside,” said Muraca. “It's also more convenient.” more>>

Merlot Addresses His Critics' Godwottery

Greetings Viognier, and Kind readers.

Recently, we have received critical various email from readers, accusing us of inflated language, false hopes, and out-right lies. My reply is as follows:

Merlot believes that categorical denial will not do much good to change the judgments of those who have made up their minds about us, perhaps determined to hang him from the highest tree they could find along the banks of the Hudson, in some small desolate corner of the park just off New York's West End Avenue.

And so, let me take make an attempt a some small persuasion. First, let me say I have no relationship, professionally or otherwise with Robert J. Parker, the wine critic who has been given credit for establishing a numerical rating system used in so many wine stores to market and promote their blends to the American masses. It has been alledged that Merlot is actually a nom 'd plum of a close associate of Parker, which is a complete untruth. We are in no way "Parker's Toady", or "trying to force feed Americans boxed wine, using mass communications like some pimp selling the fat lady at the cat house for half price" as has been charged. Nor are we "Parker's little pony", or "Parker's beard," or "Parker's little pumpkin ass", or "Parker's Ass Clown". As I stated, Parker is not an associate, friend or acquaintance for that matter. Merlot is not in any way related to this individual, and his in now way attempting to peruse any business relationship with Mr. Robert J. Parker, or anyone in his organization..

In point of fact, Merlot is in the camp of wine tasters, critics and gourmands who oppose Robert Parker's idea that wine is to be rated, with a single number, not unlike a move critic who uses his thumb to offer a stamp of approval, like so much beef under the USDA inspector's watchful eye. Moreover, we here from a reliable source of information that Parker's tastes run to fruity blends at the expense of more classic tasting wines, which is to say, the man does a disser In short, Merlot is no fan of Robert J. Parker, or his rating system.

Secondly, in no particular order. False hopes are the refuge of the desperate man, which is something Merlot believes. However, whether or not our African financing "comes through," our business plan remains sound, and our determination shall remain unaffected. We will not be swayed, and remain confident that funding shall come through, just as lighting strikes the most promising places.

Third, Merlot is no liar, and thus, these musing are not lies, if you will. If you won't, then to the devil with you.

Finally, Merlot's style and usage are the natural extension of a cultivated man, and certainly not the godwottery* of some small mind, seeking the adulation of some imagined noble stature. We speak as we live, without apologies, on a higher plain using the english language, that most perfect imperfect vehicle of commerce, science and art, the way it is meant to be used. If that places us above the sweaty balled, beer guzzling masses in their wife beaters, rooting for this or that sports franchise, then so be it. We have no remorse for the envies of lesser men; and we remain, Merlot.

*"godwottery"
from "A garden is a lovesome thing, God wot!"a poem by
Thomas Edward Brown (1830-1897).

A word with a dual personality. Poet T.E. Brown unwittingly
helped coin it when he wrote a poem describing his garden filled with all
that came to his mind: grotto, pool, ferns, roses, fish, and more.

And when he needed a word to rhyme with the line "Rose plot," he came up
with "God wot!" He used "wot", an archaic term that's a variant of wit
(to know), to mean "God knows!" and it stood out among other contemporary
words in the poem.

If you wish to create your own godwottery, we recommend: sundials, gnomes,
fairies, plastic sculptures, fake rockery, pump-driven streams, and
wrought-iron furniture. A pair of pink flamingos will round it out nicely.

Fortune Reaches Out Again to Merlot

My Dear Eunice Kumallo,
I am Merlot.

I hope this letter finds you in good spirits.

Perhaps you've read my reviews in leading wine and food publications. I am perhaps the leading boxed wine critic in north America, and parts of Chile, if not the world. Nevertheless, your communication comes at an aspicious time for my associate and I, as we are launching a new venture, or adventure, if you will in boxed wine production, distribution, and retail sales. Our aim is simple: we shall be a fully intergrated boxed company, with outlets in ever major state of the American union.

We hope that you and your son will consider investing, not more than 10 million dollars to help us build it, as we are constrained by certain covinents with our bankers. I must disclose that we are currently in negotiations with 3 other African financiers for similarly structured transactions. We b elieve it is important to discloses these other offers in the interest of fair play.

We believe your would realize extraordinary returns, where you to invest your assets in our enterprise; however, we can not say for certain, for fear of running afoul of securities laws and regulation. Chalk it up to life's folly that we are sometimes constrained from saying what we mean when we can only say what we can.

Regards,
I remain,
Merlot


Private and ConfidentialFrom Mrs. Eunice KumalloAbidjan - Côte d'Ivoire

My dear,
It is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I and my Son,intend to establish in your country.Though I have not met with you before but I believe, one has to risk confiding in someone to succeed sometimes in life.There is this amount of FIFTEEN Million US Dollars ($15.000.000.00) which my late Husband deposited with a security company in Abidjan Capital city of Cote d'Ivoire which he wanted to used for his political ambition in our Country before he was assassinated.

Now I and my son have decided to invest these money in your country or anywhere safe enough outside Africa for security and political reasons. We want you to help us claim and receive the consignment which will be sent to you through diplomatic means to your address to avoid any traces of the funds and to enable you plan for the investment in your Country:

I will like to invest part of the money into these three investment in your Country but, if there is any other business that is better than my suggestion, I will be very glad to follow your advice.

1). Real estate
2). The transport industry
3). Five star hotel

If you can be of an assistance to us we will be pleased to offer to you 20% Of the total fund while the balance will be invested by you. I await your soonest response.

Respectfully yours,
Mrs. Eunice Kumallo

Merlot's Latest Blend Finds a Name

It was said of the great musical genius Chopin, that he carried himself with the air of royalty. George Sand, who has been called the first modern, liberated women, and who was Chopin beautiful exotic lover, said of him: "he was not made for this earth." By contrast, Gershwin was a brash, America spirit, with a full the life and possibilities of the new world. We shall return to the reason for our observations after our report about last night's activities.

Last night, Voignier and I hosted a tasting, at the Basin, where several prominent individuals from the food and beverage industries met with food and wine publishing executives, restaurantures, and several women from, shall we say, another line of work. This tasting was the result of a collaboration with three leading New York State vineyards that supplied the blends that we personally selected in certain ratios.

In spite of the distractions offered by the entertainment these women supplied, the wine tasting was a screaming success, literally, when a top executive chef from one of New York's leading restaurant organizations climbed the mast of a nearby boat owned by Gus', our affable absentee neighbor.

"En Vino Ve Re Tas!" cried the chef, "and "Wolfgang Puck can Kiss My Cuban ass! Not the right side, and not the lefts side by right in the red eye that stinks, not the one that winks," he continued, before falling nearly 20 feet into the chilly Hudson, which required a concerted effort by several leading food and wine editors to save his Cuban ass, if you will, which ironically is attached to a Cuban body that could not swim.

I report these facts not for the sake of some morose obsession with bawdy behavior for the sake of telling to snickering voyeurs who tune in to live vicariously through Merlot and Voigniers extraordinary lives. No. We disclose these events in order to illustrate the effect our product has on our "end users," if you will, and with apologies for using a phrase coined at the height of our nation's market madness driven by new technologies, and creative, if corrupt accounting. Our business by contrast is quite old fashion in the sense that we believe in delivering to our "end users" unbeatable value for a very tangible, and superior tasting boxed wine, and not the pretense of improved efficencies, reduced toils, speedy cacluations, or the promise of so much blue sky. That said, judging from the response last night, and the cleanup this morning, those late rising professionals who seemed to lose track of their clocks, if you will; we think it is safe to say, these blends are ready to roll out.
After consideration of these events and the foregoing product delivered to us for sampling, I have decided to name at least one blend, Gershwin's Gulp, which we feel captures both a sense of tradition and a kind of cutting edge, post-modernists sensibility, if you will. Our second blend, a White wine, from the finger lakes region, shall be called: Sand and Chopin's Brand. Of course, we welcome your comments, kind reader, which is not to say we shall honor requests to change what we believe are the extraordinary branding tools we've hit upon in these names. We believe the first of these musical geniuses' names evokes the right kind of Big, Brash, flavor that can religate "Wolfgang Puck" to the same landfill Americans have deposited their pet rocks and mood rings. Gershwin's Gulp shall be burned into the American consciousness, as thousands first taste it in the form of free samples at our boxed wine stores, conventions and in leading restuarants, such as Ruby Tuesday's and Applebees, where we will provied casks of Gershwin's Gulp for free, to earn shelf space. Once entrenched, we believe it is say will shall dominate the boxed wine market for years to come, making Turning Leaf, yesterday's headline, no suitable to wipe a camper's "red eye" if you will.

As for Sand and Chopins Brand we believe by using small scale advertising in The New York Review of Books, and Harper's, we shall gain market share among the best and brightest, and finest minds of our time. We shall offer boxed wine shipping to those states that allow the practice, and in doing so, we shall reach a network of taste makers spanning our North America and Parts of Chile, if not far flung places, where expats live under sheltering skys, if you will. Stay tuned for our upcoming events, following our African funding.